A Satirical Tale of Suya

"A Satirical Tale of Suya"

Suya is delicious right?
Ofcourse.
Let me regale you with this information. I've never seen a hygienic suya seller, not even the famous "Yahuza Suya" in Abuja.
These friendly #Abokies observe their religious rituals of performing ablution before prayers, and that involves the washing of sensitive areas like the groin, nose, ears e.t.c with water that isn't so clean.

Close observation and careful study revealed that the kettles used to perform these rites are usually slimy, caused by continous storage of water without washing these containers.
We know that bathing is rarely in the dictionary of these barbecue dudes.
So you stand there staring at the inviting stack of meat and task the guy to slice a piece for you called #tasting. He proceeds to professionally serve you the meat dipped in #Yaji with his private-part-germ-infested hand; you collect and greedily pop into your mouth as your catarrh-filled brain interpretes it as "Hmmmm...yummy"

"Aboki cut for me #suya 200 naira"

He wraps your darling meat in old newspapers which soon absorb the harmful ink used in printing the paper. To push #Typhoid into your system, the same hand used to accept all manner of monies from previous customers, is used to cut your meat.
Do I need to remind you that money is the carrier of hundreds of pathogenic bacteria and free radicals?

Ok, have you ever wondered why these guys are mostly located around drainages and festering gutters?
Growing up in the north exposed me to safety precaution against the prevalence of diarrhoea, dysentery and typhoid fever.
Let's not even delve into the unsafe nature of the roadside meat you are loading into your precious bodies, because trust me, the fire doesn't do any much harm to the parasites in cattle unless subjected to levels of boiling point.

Hehehe now you feel like puking huh? All these while you have been eating pure #Jagbajantis. All of you who go bunkers over #Kikishi, i wish you can experience it's wonderful preparation process and you'd never touch it with a 10 feet pole.

They blow their noses and cut suya.
Dirty money nko?
They collect and cut suya.
They do all sort of #gbogbotigbo and cut suya...
...you happily collect and chop. #wehdone. -Hanamel.

No matter what i have written, people will still eat suya. So if you want to argue, use your suya-peppered hand and scratch your eyes.

Inspration: Mirabella-Paulcia Peach.... Copied